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Tuesday, June 7th, 2011
1:26 am - Fix it!
 I thought about the little pity party I expressed yesterday, and I thought about Saavic's helpful and concerned comment. I thought some more about my whiny reply... in which I stated that I know better. I do know better. I have concocted a plan. 

Every morning I plan to drink some water, walk a mile, take some time to ground before I fall into the kiddie pool for a few minutes, (that should be bracing) and then work out with the weight equipment, for another twenty minutes, and then cold shower with the garden hose before my work day. That should only take about an hour, and I'd feel tons better.

I can still get in about 8 hours work, before time for my sunset walk... in which I will repeat the process. I think this will solve my problems, and after sunset I can get another 5 hours work and money making research, and even a bit of recreational writing and me time, before going to bed. 
I think that will solve most of my physical and spiritual problems, and leave me in a better state of mind to make money writing. Who knows, maybe I'll type faster because I'd feel more energized? Anyway that's the plan. I plan to start Wednesday and Thursday, because I have an important errand tomorrow morning.
Thanks Saavic! I think I just needed someone else to tell me how dumb it is to put my health on the back burner.

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Monday, June 6th, 2011
12:50 am - Who Am I? What am I about?
 Wow, I haven't written anything here in a while. It's hard when you are writing professionally up to 16 hours a day, to just sit and type for fun. Still I have missed just typing. I don't think I will proofread heavily so forgive me if I have a typo or two. I know that since I am 50 years old, I shouldn't be having an identity crisis, but I have been busy and preoccupied with...  less than pleasant life details, and then there is writing, where I often play a role... rather than be myself. (I am a ghost writer for web content) I am an expert on.. fill in the blank, and I pretend to be other people. I am very comfortable doing that BTW, but it may be adding to the confusion. It's easier to be them, than to be me sometimes, because I understand the face they are trying to put forward, but what is my face like? What should I try to put forward? 

Gary is here, I feel him strongly. I am the one having the weird midlife crisis. Let me talk you through the process. I realized a long time ago that all my perceptions are POV, and because I am somewhat weird (probably more than somewhat) I learned that I could shift my POV sometimes to see the opposite side of at least some of my opinions. I saw that they were just as valid when taken the other way around. Some aren't of course, but generally... well I  learned to step outside myself and critique my own opinions. I found that only some of my opinions were truly my own, and quite a few of them were borrowed. Further on, I realized that even my own opinions were prone to coloring by fear, and emotional insecurity. I could see where my processes were flawed when I was having a bad day, or was feeling economic panic or emotional stress. I could also see that I was learning from this expanded view.  
I thought I was so smart doing this, but unfortunately it has had an odd side effect. On some issues I have no opinion. I can see both sides, and neither agree nor disagree, or I flip flop back and forth. I'm having more trouble than ever making important decisions. I don't really have a sense of self in some ways. I know who I am deep down, in my soul, but as far as this life time, and my physical situation. I don't know who I am supposed to be, or what I am supposed to do with my  life. I sense changes... and changes have been forced on me. I am trying to adapt, but I am experiencing a lot of indecision about things that should be easy to decide. 

I am looking for a niche for my writing, and I really frankly have a lot of things I could do. I hear that I should do what I am passionate about, and I know that is spirituality, but I am so uncertain of which angle to go at that from. I am learning so fast in that area, and I can see so much that I could do with it, and yet... well so many people are so opinionated, and easily offended by the opposite camp, and I am so up in the air that I am bound to offend almost every camp. Plus so many people are touchy about their opinions. It seems like a mine field to discuss any form of theology. IDK... my other passion is politics, but I know how people are about that.  
I considered green lifestyle, but that includes health and health food and exercise and such, and I've not had time or money to take care of myself. I don't eat healthy, I don't have time to exercise, and while I used to be in great shape a long time ago, I'm kind of chubby and I live off sodas and cigarettes. I have interest in these things and used to practice that stuff but now... I'm not into it anymore. I'd feel like a hypocrite telling people how to exercise eat right and live healthy when I am so undisciplined.
I'd like to tell people how to survive this recession too, but I am struggling with that. I thought about involving others in my personal and psychic war on poverty, but I am not sure anyone would be interested. I am working on some theories, but so far nothing works. The 80/20 rule is powerful... and it just seems that the rich always get richer while the poor don't have any chance. Life is just unfair, and when I think of the D.R. Congo vision, which inspired my research,  I just don't have any answers yet, but I continue to pray, and send energy. I feel a calling to do something, but so far I cannot define it. Does that make sense? It's a feeling, not a thing I can put in words yet...  I am sort of lost when I think of Niche writing. I like being unrestricted by topic, but how can I set up a website that has no topic? 

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Friday, August 27th, 2010
2:00 pm - Writer's Block: If I were president ...
What would you do if you were president or prime minister for a day?

We all know from watching President Obama that a DAY, simply isn't long enough to fix things. Even 4 years isn't long enough, so I am going to give myself 2 full terms of office! 8 years would be long enough... maybe to start straightening out the laws... Why do we need that long? Because you said President not King. The president has to get the approval of the Senate and the House of Representatives. WE all know that all Republican Senators do is Filibuster and try to destroy the whole country in order to discredit Obama, and I know they'd hate me even worse.

The country is in a hell of a mess, because our presidents have not restricted profiteering corporations from exploiting the working class, and then discarding them like a used tissue. I would make corporations accountable. STOP all profiteering, and take back America for the PEOPLE, not for the Corporations, and the Greedy top 3 Percent who only know how to exploit the less fortunate. 

The first thing I would do is impose heavy import taxes on all good from foreign countries, other than native crafts. If they didn't make it with hand tools, in whatever native tradition they have... it's taxed at a totally unfordable rate, and that includes our traitor American companies that have moved their factories over seas, but it does not stop there. If it's not made here, it doesn't belong here. I would make a list of all corporations that own factories over seas. I would freeze their assets, and threaten to deport all their CEO's and major stock holders. we'd give them six months to get everything they manufacture anywhere in the world, back on American turf... This would force them to sell their factories in foreign countries, and buy properties here. If they don't play ball, I use the assets and money to give small business loans to start new companies... and I'd give them to regular average income people. No more Nike tennis shoes made in China! No more India cotton bed sheets. LOL American steel mills would be reopened no matter what, but the formerly wealthy top 3 percent would not be owning them, unless they complied explicitly with my demands, and buckled under to a WHOLE lot of regulations.

I would take control of both wages and prices, and I would rework the tax structure... at least long enough to adjust them properly. No one could make more than 200K a year, and no one could make less than 40K if they were working a job of any kind at least 30 hours per week. If people who do NOT work, IE Millionaires and various capital gains folks, make a dime over 200K in income, it's taxed at 99% The government gets everything else. Period. OTHER than that people would pay ten to twenty percent in personal income taxes. First 100K at 10 percent, and second 100K at twenty.

Corporate law needs to be re-worked, and anti trust laws remeasured so that monopolies would be discouraged more. Companies should be forced to divide when they reach a certain size... or net worth... or when their market share got to the point they were starving out everyone else... IE Walmart.  I'd change the laws so that a corporation could be tried in court and 'imprisoned or executed' if they commit a crime. As you probably know a corporation is an individual under the law, just like any person, but who is only financially liable, and then only under certain circumstances. They are free to commit manslaughter, and various other crimes without censure... and they do. If a man dies as a result of something a human being does, then that person goes to trial... IE hit and run drunk driver, but if a person is poisoned by a corporation and dies, or if they die as a direct result of being laid off... well no one says a word. How can you imprison or execute a corporation? Well you could imprison them by freezing assets, and forcing them to change policies, and by taking control of them for a certain number of months till they are fixed where they don't do that anymore. In extreme cases you could force them out of business, and sell their assets to someone who would do a better job.

I would get rid of a LOT Of "moral" laws too... I'd legalize the use of Marijuana, and encourage the growth of hemp. Hemp has many uses, grows faster than lumber and contributes more to our planets Oxygen than other crops. Save the trees, use hemp. It's stupid not to... and if people want to smoke it... well most people do anyway, so why waste the efforts of law enforcement any longer. Plus it would make all these drug tests unnecessary... I'd also encourage all farming. I'd make it legal for anyone with interest to make moonshine to run in their cars, no questions asked. No forms, just set up your still and make all the shine you want. You are supposed to put it in your car, but I don't really care if they have a sip... however DWI laws do still apply... I'd raise the legal drunk limit a spot though, so it wouldn't effect people who just had cough syrup, or drank a drink or two would not have a huge issue. Why? first off it's crazy to import oil from foreign countries, allowing our oil companies to profiteer shamefully off our necessity, when our cars could be easily adjusted to run on moonshine. Lets put our farmers to work, and rely less on petrol. In order to really research green energy, we have to muzzle the oil companies... the best way to do that is to just get rid of them entirely over my 8 year term. Forbid them like the anti smoking laws.... go with locally grown grain alcohol, and then we can look into solar power, and such. 

While we are on the subject of morals I say stop the debate on gay marriage... It's no one's business who is gay and who is not, or who is sleeping with who.... especially not the government's. My plan is to get the government out of people's personal life. Anyone sharing a household for most of the calender year should have the same rights legally as a married couple. whether they, are in love, hold a wedding, or have sex of any description or not. That would include straight people who are living together for economic or childcare reasons as well. It's no one's business, and I am with Clinton... don't ask and if you don't want to, well there's no reason to tell anyone or discuss it with anyone not directly involved. Yes there are gay people, what is the big deal. I say stop making them make a sideshow out of their love or their preference, and just treat them like everyone else. Other people also have the same needs they do... so why not just make a law to allow ANY cohabitants of a home able to share insurance, rights to children, right to file joint income tax, and any other privalages married people have... Now divorce law should be handled the same as a married couple for anyone who needs it to divide property, regardless of romance or sex involved. All those things are sorted out anyway in court on an individual basis. Also legally stop the question of gender on job applications, or for any other purpose than medical and have a choice C for those who are in between... medically. Your gender should be irrelevant to anyone who isn't considering sleeping with your or performing a medical procedure. Full disclosure on those two categories should be legally required.    
I'd rework interest rates, cause the old people are taking a beating on CDs. CDs should pay 5% and the bank should not make excessive profits... IE the interest rate for lending should be one point higher than the interest rate for investing... and that could be accomplished with salary caps for CEOs.... and other excessive spending cuts. Lending should slow down on demand as my plan is implemented, and eventually most loans would be very solid because income would be standard and no one would be suddenly poor... we write stability into legislature. People would be secure, and they would be required by law to pay their debts. 

Profiteering would not be allowed in any industry. You make your money, up to 200K from any and all sources, but that's it. No one has a right to more than a decent life, and on the other hand, every full time job would pay 40K Under no circumstances could a household, as defined above make less than 40K a year per household. People would either get jobs or be self employed, and those making less would be given business advice and subsidy until they could get their income up above 40K. 

Now I hear people thinking the word Communism, but NO it isn't. If you are thinking that you've been brainwashed. People now making over 400K a year aren't earning it. Most of them do no work at all, and they do NOT deserve a free ride, any more than They don't NEED it. No one needs that kind of money. My plan would RE-INSTITUTE true Democracy. Everyone would be on more or less equal footing, and no longer would media and corporate funding decide our elections. All candidates would have an equal chance based on their ability to convince the voting public. I would limit the power of political parties... or perhaps abolish them all together, and make politicians think for themselves. George Washington said parties were a bad idea and he is right. Just look at the current situation. There's a guy in the White House, working his butt off to help the American People survive, and then there are half the senators trying to stop him in every way possible, just so he'll look bad. Half of our citizens think that's OK, even good, because they are brainwashed. We are all brainwashed by political parties... and it needs to stop. We need common sense, and a government that cares for it's people, and makes them prosper... not a government looking out for special interests, and paying lip service to lame causes like anti-abortion, (it should be a free choice, and only economic freedom as described above would allow that... and naturally lower the abortion rate.) Communism is just another party, and not a popular one, but it's just a word... a word certain other parties likes to throw around. Communism is not the opposite of democracy. It is the opposite of capitalism, and Capitalism has caused some problems. It needs to be reeled in... not abolished, just controlled. 

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Thursday, August 19th, 2010
I've had enough... I mean money worries, irritable family members, and bothersome household chores... job searches, and disappointments ect... but when I pick up my laptop at night I want to relax... That's why I come here, and such... well I tried facebook, all summer. They had a lovely game called Farmville, and of course I liked it. I mean I am one of those people who love Sims, and various programs where you design things and build buildings ect... so sure farmville was great. I grew to like the people as well. President Obama even has a page there, which I love, but FACEBOOK is nothing but trouble. From the fact I can't log into farmville most of the time, now since I got hooked... I haven't been on it in months so I am starting to get UNHOOKED but still... to the fact that my hotmail is now sending pornographic spam to all my contacts, and some rip off advertising they had got my cell number somehow and were calling me, and running my bill up for texts when I do not text... all thanks to FACEBOOK.  

I HATE FACEBOOK it's nothing but a danged virus factory, and yet I miss it.. but. I am sick of running virus scans every couple of days, and having to delete temporary internet files every few hours just to keep my computer running... I have never seen such a darned mess of computer ruining crap as you can catch on facebook. There's more virus on facebook than there are STDs in house of prostitution in a third world country. I have a firewall, and all sorts of antivirus, and various network security, and I have never ever had so much trouble... or really even needed security before I used facebook. I just finished deleting all my contacts from my hotmail account, and adding to my gmail account... just because I can't figure any other way to stop spamming my friends... and overall I wish I'd never gotten involved in it. Livejournals has never given me any problems, or added any stress to my life, so here is to LIVEJOURNALS... to heck with facebook. I am so sick of that mess.

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Tuesday, May 11th, 2010
2:58 pm - Sudden wave of phobia
I really don't know what has gotten into me lately, but the past few weeks have been increasingly unbearable. I hate to admit fear. I really find that it's a huge issue with me to even admit it. I really believe that fear is the mind killer, and I have been fairly successful in keeping it at bay for most of my life. Right now though I am taking on fear at a gut level. It isn't a conscious thought, or at least not one I am not repressing. It's just somatic fear mostly. LIke being constantly startled... or at least that's the best way I can describe it. It's a sick feeling in my gut and heart that just keeps recuring, and is hard to dispell. I find that I am experiencing a total lack confidence, and I don't want to do anything for fear I will mess up. I don't know why. I don't feel well either. I am fighting low energy and panic attacks at the same time.

I am looking at the situation, and I can think of several logical reasons to be stressed, My husband is between jobs, my mother is elderly and very dependent on me. I've been looking for a second job, I only have a part time now, so I am trying to get up nerve to step up my efforts, and lower my standards on my job search. I am worried about money. My oldest is going to college in the fall and plans to commute, which means a lot of freeway driving. I am a bit worried about that as well, but all this has just formed a ball in my gut and it won't even let me think straight. I feel paralized by fear. I have even developed an eye twitch over the last few days. IDK... I don't show this fear outwardly, but it's starting to become noticable even so. I am procrastinating everything that isn't absolutely necessary. I really need to do something about this, but I don't know what.


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Tuesday, April 27th, 2010
5:42 pm

Our story is weird but I love to tell it. I was born in a small farming community in NC, way back in 1960. It was very different then, before computers, and cell phones, and even air conditioning… or clothes dryers. Most TVs were black and white. Have you ever seen "the Andy Griffith" show? It was just like that. It was a different world, one of home grown apple pies, county fairs, and 4-H… It was a very wholesome community, at least from my POV. Gary and I were born into this sweet little community, but this atmosphere worked a lot better for me than for him, I have to admit.

Read our storyCollapse )

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5:27 pm
We just had a very nice family outing, to the Chinese buffet. We all really enjoy those times. We are in pretty good spirits since. Sometimes it just seems like everything is great, and today was one of those times. I know I complain sometimes, but I really shouldn't. Things are really good... and world scale, or historically speaking we live in a great place in a great time. Sure there are problems, but at least we aren't collecting grub worms in the jungle and trying to fight off horrible disease carrying mosquitos or anything... some people are though.

I have been using my spiritual practice lately to try to help the DR Congo. That's probably one of the worst places in the world. There is war, disease, pestilence, rape, and even canabalism... crazy kinds of stuff is going on there, and on top of everything else, the logging industry is stripping away the rain forest. I pray for the pigmy people now on a regular basis, and try to bless them with my energy work. because they are loosing their habitat, and people are litterally eating them, because they believe that eating a pigmy gives them magical powers. It's just nuts, so if you have any extra positive energy, then send it to the DR Congo to help the pigmy's and other natives. Might help, and couldn't hurt.


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Thursday, April 15th, 2010
4:29 am
Has anyone else seen the Movie "The Fourth Kind?" It is the first movie I found truely frightening in years. IDK... they claim it is a true story, but the city of Nome where it supposedly took place is denying the whole thing... of course they would, and the movie people arae claiming it's all true... which they would, so IDK but either way, if you miss the feeling you used to get actually being afraid, after watching a movie... I know we sure do, well then watch The fourth kind, and you will be way freaked out... or at least I was. I just watched it and now I am scared to go to bed. I've not had that problem in many many years. IT's great really!


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12:33 am
Gary here again. It's been so long since Kim typed anything I thought I'd take a turn. She wants to write but can't seem to be able to think of anything to say. She's not too sure what's OK to say and what's not. I've been here trying to find some way to make her open up. She's so stoic, and strong, but inside it eats her up. She really opened up today to her mom and her husband, and stuck up for herself to both of them. I was proud of her, even though she felt guilty. It seems like everyone thinks she should be responsible for them, find their belongings, run errands for them, take care of all the paperwork, for both households, when there are like four other people and two of them are doing absolutely nothing most of the time.

Lately Kim isn't feeling well, and she finally said, "look, I just don't feel like being nagged, about every little detail of your life, while I totally neglect my own. I just can't go on like this." She told her mom that for every single problem mom has we have 15 and putting mom's stuff as top priority was running her way behind... she doesn't mind doing the stuff but being nagged daily till it is done, is really really annoying so she is forced to put her mom's non urgent business ahead of her own, necessities, just to maintain peace of mind...
The straw that broke the cammel's back so to speak was that her mom got her licence tag renewal card on Monday. Her mom called and claimed she didn't even understand what it was. But she didn't even read the back of the letter, and had really barely looked at it. Jane is not stupid, and she's much more organized than Kim. Honestly Kim stays a basket case on the inside, and she lives with things her mom wouldn't put up with for a minute, simply because everyone else makes so many demands, that she can't get anything done for herself.

Kim patiently listed to Jane read the notice, then explained that they would have to get both cars inspected, and then mail off the form... etc. and that on her schedule it would take a few weeks, but that wasn't a problem, because they usually sent those a month or two ahead. Her mom balked and wanted it done this week. She was very insistant, and then she called repeatedly today and yesterday concerning wanting this done, and when could Kim do it. When Kim finally told her how she felt Jane said she could get her own car inspected. DUH!!! I mean why does Kim have to go with her, and hold her hand for her to get a car inspected? Her mom used to get her own car inspected for years! Now since she's a widow she just expects someone to do every darned thing for her.

This wanting things done immediately is common for Jane. She just has to have it her way right freaking now or else she nags and hounds several times a day till she gets it. When Kim told her how she felt, Jane said she was just making conversation! That she didn't intend to nag at all, and had accepted everything Kim said, except that she wanted it done soon. Jezzz... that was the whole point. Kim is trying to keep her sanity. Her mom is scared to do anything, and she mentioned that someone commented when she was putting groceries in the car. "Just look at that poor old woman trying to put groceries in the car by herself." Probably not true, and at any rate just attempting to push guilt off on Kim for not being with her. Kim cannot accompany her mom on every single errand, nor would it be good for Jane if she did. She's not a poor old woman, she's 74, and we know women in their 80's who feel perfectly competent to go to the grocery store and don't act pathetic about it at all.

Kim's husband used to be the same way, always expecting Kim to handle everything, but he's been dropping Kim some slack lately because he knows she's showing signs of loosing it. Her mom just kicks in the spurs harder, and her solution to "I'm having a hard time mom, I need to rest, and I don't feel well," is calling three or four times a day to see if Kim's feeling better. This makes Kim a thousand times worse.

I never liked Jane, and Jane never liked me. She was always a snob, and acted like she was better than everybody else... especially me. She is no fun, has no sense of humor, and she tends to be very self righteous. She always made her husband do everything for her, and now since he's gone, she's expecting Kim to be her constant source of everything. Kim's tired, she's stressed, and she's trying to figure out how to support the family on her weekend job. Jane has money and occasionally she doles out a little, but she really doesn't begin to cover the expense of time and effort and stress she puts on her. Kim was at the end of her rope and she did speak her mind. Kim now feels guilty. She didn't say anything bad... at least not to her mom, only that she didn't know exactly when she could go, and she was tired of being pinned down about it. Now she did say some mean stuff to her husband, but only because he was infering she was stupid for not knowing where a certain document was that came in the mail five years ago... and blaming her for it being lost. IDK where it is either, but he should keep up with his own darned paperwork.

IDK I have had it with everyone blaming and guilting Kim. She has a guilt complex as it is, and rather than lay off, these people know how to use it, in order to manipulate her... but at what price. Kim is about to shut down, if they don't stop. She's dangerously close to a breakdown, and they just keep pushing. She can't take much more. She never gets a day off from her mom, who calls every single day. She never gets even an hour off from her husband, and her kids are very self sufficient. She feels she's neglected them, and she may have a little because of her parents always being sick, and her mom not being able to be the least bit self sufficent.

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Tuesday, April 6th, 2010
3:09 am
I want to share an incredible music link.


It's an especially thrilling thing for me, because I used to hang out with Jeremy's parents when we were young, and also I used to have a huge crush on Jeremy's uncle when I was about 14.. or 15. LOL Music runs in the family, and both Jeremy's father and uncle were amazing guitarists.

It's a trip to see the video because he looks JUST like his dad. His mom was also very beautiful, she was a model and maybe he gets his looks from her just a bit too, but his resemblance to his dad is just uncanny.

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1:14 am
First I'd like to say that I am feeling much better. Great in fact. It was like flipping a light switch, and all last week it just kept getting better and better. I really do not understand my ups and downs, I only know that I apparently suffer from some sort of chronic exhaustion sometimes. It's kind of like being bi polar, except replacing depression with exhaustion, and manic phase with feeling like I am going to live. LOL Anyway it has left me for the time being and I feel great.

I realized last week what a great family I have, and how sweet my kids are, and my mom is pretty cool too, when I am not stressed and exhausted. My husband really does try his best to be nice, and overall life is great. I shouldn't complain really. I should be thankful for all I have, and stop fretting about everything so much. I am very very grateful that I now have energy again, and that I feel strong inside, and out. My emotions feel stable, and my inner being is as solid as a rock.

Anyway I am back to normal, which for me means random visionary experiences, vivid dreams, and a lot of creativity. My mind feels sharp again, and I no longer feel like I am floating in an endless void with nothing but fog. My limbs don't feel numb and heavy anymore, and I do feel like I wouldn't mind taking a long walk... and I am looking forward to that just as soon as I have time. I enjoyed going to Mom's today and spent the evening with her. She didn't get on my nerves a single time because I feel strong and at peace... and I just have a feeling everything will turn out fine. I am no longer fretting about money, right now... though I do still have to consider it as a factor... times are tight, but I am not going nuts fretting about things. Most importantly my heart chakra feels full and is putting off lots of happy energy.

I am going to be OK. Everything is groovy. LOL I wish everyone could feel what I am feeling right now.


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Friday, March 26th, 2010
1:58 am
Kim was going to type, but at the last moment she said, you do it Gary. I'm glad because I wanted to communicate some things, and I just love to type. It's one of the few things I really get to do lately since we've not been feeling well. We still go to work because we have to, but that's about it.

Anyway Kim's been trying to write a book and so far it's going amazingly well. I'm here to help, and often do, but we are trying very hard to remember some of the things we know, but have never put into words. It's very hard sometimes to express what you know full well, but have never told anyone. Kim's also not sure how to present me... in the book. I fear since I was an incarnate person whom she knew in life, that someone might recognize me... which wouldn't matter except Kim and I both agree it might upset my family to know that I've been living with her for 36 years and haven't bothered to let them know, but on the other hand they'd have just thought Kim was a nut for thinking that.

I'm definitely me though. I know sometimes Kim thinks she just sort of cloned me in her mind, and that I am something else. She knows better, because of all the things she remembers as a child, of how close we were, but at times she just... well lately her faith in everything is taking a beating. I don't fully understand what's wrong, but she's just really... well different than she's ever been. It's like she feels beaten, before she tries. IDK it's like she's giving up in a way, or at least just laying back and wating for something. I'm not sure what though. I do know that she's tired all the time, and she can't rest well. Then she tends to be sleepy all day.

Anyway while she's not feeling well, I decided to come out for a while and try to give her a break. IT's hard to get her to let go of the front lately too. Since she feels so bad, she's really afraid to relax enough to let me up front, without her. I think shes not sure if she can let go so easily I think it's just hard for her to let me take her fingers and let her rest. Right now she's wondering if I am typing gibberish while she tries not to think about it. I am typing with our eyes closed, so she can't see what is being typed. I am trying to get her to calm the f^^k down. She's just so weird I don't know what's wrong wtih her.

She's afraid for the first time since she was a kid. She's never been one to be afraid. She's always faced life bravely, and been tough ans nails, but I can't get her to try right now. She 's taken control back! Why won't she relax? I think it's hard for her to just give over rigth now. She really wishes she din't ahve to deal with any of this. I think she would like me to just take the front and call her when it's over but she's afriad something will go wrong, and I won't know what to do... because she doesn't know what to do.

I think she needs more confidence in herself right now. She' s afraid she is finally gone too far down the rabbit hole one to many times and she isn't going to come back. She's also worried about money all tht time. She's afraid and she's not keeping up with evertyhing like she usually does. I think I am really worried, but most of that is because she is worried. We are fine really, and ther's nothing wrong that a little planning and a lot of hard work wouldn't fix. Unfortunately the body doens't seem to be up to doing hard work.

OK so Kim has opened her eyes read this, and fixed the typos... but there weren't many. IDK... I think she will be fine if we canjust get through this, and keep her sanity a while longer. I want to be able to help her, but she's really not letting me in lately. It isn't like her. None of this is like her.


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Wednesday, March 17th, 2010
7:04 pm
We've been considering getting a second job. I really can't see the benefit of working for minimum wage, at this juncture though. I think at that rate it would cost me more than I make, since I already have a weekend business, and that's when the marts, dollar stores and burger joints want you to work. My husband can't see the point either, and I barely get done with my responsibilities as it is anyway, but we do need the money since my husband is between contracts.

My husband suggested that I (we) do a psychic sort of thing... spiritual councilor or something, on the grounds that I am not really interested in anything else, and wouldn't do a great job at anything I wasn't passionate about. Now I don't want to bill myself as a psychic for a number of reasons. I don't see the future as anything set. I do see trends, and efforts being made to alter the future constantly, and really I've seen times when I did that... right now though, I don't really feel up to that either. It takes a lot of energy.

I do channel, and I can see people's psychic content. I've been having visions for years, and seen all sorts of things... visions of heaven, and such. I am multiple/ or more like a spirit host, but it works like being multiple. I have worked as a paranormal investigator, but there's not a lot of money in that... and I know nothing of EVP... or other equipment. I am a light trance medium.

I've really worked quite a bit, and helped people both in person, and on line, but I have never charged for it. Overall I've always helped people for free, and I've been helped as well. I am trying to figure out how my abilities could be profitable.

I am fairly expert on the bible, have read and studied the Gnostic Gospels, The Gita, and several other religious texts fairly extensively. I know a good bit about energy work, and wellness though I don't practice as well as I preach on anything to do with health. LOL

Does anyone have any suggestions of how I could turn all of the above abilities into a marketable skill?


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Friday, March 12th, 2010
1:56 am
I am feeling a little more hopeful today. My hubby helped me clean out the fridge yesterday... I mean a major overhaul scrubbing, removing some stuff that got frozen in the back, and was stuck fast. He did most of the work, and it was amazing. I've never seen it done that way, but it was intersting to see how a man would do it. He did good really.

I am still soulsearching what i want to do but I feel new confidence for some reason. I feel a sort of calling... really that's why I started thinking this way, but I just don't understand what I am supposed to do yet... but I get the feeling it is supposed to be something better than what I was thinking at first. I think it's supposed to be something I enjoy, though there might be something I have to do before, to earn money or get more education... IDK, but I do have a feeling of being called, but not quite yet.

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Wednesday, March 10th, 2010
9:05 pm
Well we all remember a time, and some of you are still in it, where you are wondering what career to choose, and what your life will be like... well I usually feel like this stuff doesn't apply to me anymore. But today I was thinking...

I will turn 50 this year, and I am old for sure, but I've still got about 20 or 30 or 40 years left... Old age runs in the family, and as I watch retired people, and their decline in interests and activities, I am thinking, I really don't want to do that. I've already spent the last 20 years raising kids and taking care of old people... letting my own needs wait till I have time. So maybe soon.... I will have a little time to make something of myself...

I do have a job... a weekend business, but I could let the kids run it, or just do that on weekends, and try to do something else. Mom's had some health issues but she seems to be leveling out, and while I am terribly busy doing a whole lot of nothing, I could be doing something more fulfilling and I'd probably feel better about everything.

I am getting a vague feeling that I am being called to do something... IDK what. I mean my abilities are on the wane as they do sometimes, when I get my emotions out of wack. I am trying to get some sort of plan, and so much is just up in the air... 2012 for instance, but presuming we all survive 2012, and the current recession, what then?

I know a few things I should do, but I am always great at making lists and not doing them... but what I should do is get in better physical shape, straighten out things a bit around the house and then... well that's the thing. I could try to get some job at the dollar store, or one of the marts, but I am not really too excited about that.

I've looked at my qualifications, and work experience, and it was all so long ago. The world has moved on. I've made considerable contributions to my community, with my art work, which has been used for all sorts of comercial purposes in my home town... but that's over now. I look at my interests and all I see is spirituality. I don't really care about much of anything else. I could write a book but IDK... would anyone buy it? The ramblings of a madwoman... IDK...

I could start a cult... but I don't think I am Charasmatic enough to be a cult leader... especially not speaking in person. I am undecided and open ended with most of my theories, and I really really don't believe in shoving my beliefs down anyone's throat. I do wish people would be more open minded, open hearted, and less propriatary about their RELIGION.... and I don't like religion. I believe that all spiritual practitioners use basically the same process regardless of what religious doctrines and trappings they might believe in... or if they believe in doctrines and trappings at all. I thought about going back to church, and maybe signing up for their seminary, but IDK... do I really want to teach the church's narrow doctrine for the next 40 years? I mean I could do that till I was old as Moses, but is that what I want? I mean I believe most everything positive that they do, and I loathe their negative narrow rules equally. I have so much more information, from various eastern and Gnostic sources that they would never agree with.

I don't know what I could do, either here, in the bible belt, or on line, even if I went back to school and got a doctorate of comparitive religion. I have a friend who has one of those, and she can't do a thing with it, other than teach at a community college... she's overqualified, in a field that no one seems to care about.

I always believed that I would make a difference, and that while my early career was in art... I do want to move into something more meaningful. I want to teach the world, but after all my study, and all my reading, and experience, and such, do I really know anything for sure? Am I able to say anything with great certainty? There are a few things, but really when I watch TV preachers, and read self help books, and I see how certain they act and how often they are off base, incorrect or just plain flippant with their little pat answers... I think I could do that... but do I really want to, and would anyone buy it?

I've always believed that I would do something important when I was old... and now I am getting pretty old... so I am seeking guidance, and so far... the only thing weighing really heavily in my awareness is that my back hurts. LOL

Any suggestions?

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Wednesday, March 3rd, 2010
2:38 am
It's been a long time since we posted here. Rather than just starting to whine again about my problems I'll just turn it over to Gary. He's more positive usually.

Hi everybody. I'm so glad that we came back to LiveJournals. I really enjoyed our situation here, but we just didn't have the time for it. I'd really missed the people though, and I'm glad to be back... maybe because I get more attention here. It's nice to be back anyway.

Kim's been preoccupied with a lot of stuff... self accusation is what I'd call it. She blames herself for everything, and feels we should do more, but she's doing all she can, and more than most people. She just doesn't realize the things she does, and she only sees the huge pile of things she leave undone. She has this massive guilt complex from childhood... over responsiblity, and she gets so stressed, that she's just killing herself. I have to relieve the pressure and tell her that she's one in a million.

Anyway we do need to forge a plan, but she needs to be in a better frame of mind before she does that, or she'll just plow herself under again. She needs to realize that she's only human and stop beating herself up.

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Thursday, January 5th, 2006
2:49 pm

I just wanted to invite my friends to join me at my new forum, and website SpiritSense. We discuss all areas of spiriutal development. We have a little of everything from SC's to Otherkin, and from Christianity to Zen. Everyone is welcome. The site is actually two sites linked together, but here are the two URLs



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Tuesday, December 13th, 2005
4:07 am
Jedi Padawan
You scored 46 on the Force Sensitivity/Jedi Chart!
Other Jedi like you are: Obi-Wan Kenobi (Episode I), Luke Skywalker (Episode IV) and Anakin Skywalker (Episode II).

You are a Jedi Padawan, your fundamentals of good and justice influence you. You may still have some tendencies the dark side may claim like fear and love. For the most part though, the Light Side flows through you.

You have not fully discovered your powers through the Force but you are most definitely powerful, though you don't use your power to harm unless threatened. You have probably helped a fair number of people and have a core understanding of what is right, wrong and just. You probably command respect from others simply from your status and the way you serve a greater purpose. Be wary of your feelings as thoughts of yourself only lead to fear and hate and the dark side.

Concentrate on controlling yourself and let the Force flow through you, only do what is just and promotes peace and in time you will become a greater Jedi. Be wary of your feelings for they may still be strong especially if you were discovered later in your life. Be careful of the Sith for they will seek to either destroy you or seduce you.

Thank you for taking my test, if you have any comments, complaints or anything you'd like to see changed/added, please contact me through here or my email (zabomb56@hotmail.com).

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender:

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You scored higher than 99% on Force Sense
Link: The Jedi Test written by zabomb on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Another test we took together.

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3:45 am
Smart Paladin
74% Combativeness, 23% Sneakiness, 64% Intellect, 69% Spirituality
Valorous! Noble! Or possibly just a self-righteous jerk (but with the brains to keep you alive!)... You are a Smart Paladin!
Paladins are holy warriors. They are valorous defenders of the light. Unfortunately, most of them are so ardent in their defense they tend to meet sticky ends faster than you can say "rampaging red dragon." Many people look up to Paladins, while others just consider them stuck up, overbearing, or self-righteous.
Fortunately for you, unlike most Paladins, you're pretty smart. Which means that you're more likely to fall into the "admired" category, rather than the "obnoxious" or "dead" categories.
Much like the crusades, you manage to combine violence and religion, though unlike the crusades, you add a healthy does of intelligence. You may be a staunch defender of the faith, a valorous champion of the weak, or the stuff that jihads are made of. Which ever one you are, just be happy that you’ve got the smarts to back it up and make it work.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

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You scored higher than 72% on Combativeness

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You scored higher than 34% on Sneakiness

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You scored higher than 31% on Intellect

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You scored higher than 89% on Spirituality
Link: The RPG Class Test written by MFlowers on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Gary and Kim were in complete agreement on all the questions for this one. So I guess we are a pair of paladins.

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3:25 am
You scored 53 masculinity and 66 femininity!
You scored high on both masculinity and femininity. You have a strong personality exhibiting characteristics of both traditional sex roles.

My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

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You scored higher than 30% on masculinity

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You scored higher than 64% on femininity
Link: The Bem Sex Role Inventory Test written by weirdscience on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Well I guess these tests can figure out a lot of things... WE are Kim and Gary after all, Spirit Companions, living as a Co-conscious multiple.

current mood: bored

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