kimandgary (kimandgary) wrote,

Sudden wave of phobia

I really don't know what has gotten into me lately, but the past few weeks have been increasingly unbearable. I hate to admit fear. I really find that it's a huge issue with me to even admit it. I really believe that fear is the mind killer, and I have been fairly successful in keeping it at bay for most of my life. Right now though I am taking on fear at a gut level. It isn't a conscious thought, or at least not one I am not repressing. It's just somatic fear mostly. LIke being constantly startled... or at least that's the best way I can describe it. It's a sick feeling in my gut and heart that just keeps recuring, and is hard to dispell. I find that I am experiencing a total lack confidence, and I don't want to do anything for fear I will mess up. I don't know why. I don't feel well either. I am fighting low energy and panic attacks at the same time.

I am looking at the situation, and I can think of several logical reasons to be stressed, My husband is between jobs, my mother is elderly and very dependent on me. I've been looking for a second job, I only have a part time now, so I am trying to get up nerve to step up my efforts, and lower my standards on my job search. I am worried about money. My oldest is going to college in the fall and plans to commute, which means a lot of freeway driving. I am a bit worried about that as well, but all this has just formed a ball in my gut and it won't even let me think straight. I feel paralized by fear. I have even developed an eye twitch over the last few days. IDK... I don't show this fear outwardly, but it's starting to become noticable even so. I am procrastinating everything that isn't absolutely necessary. I really need to do something about this, but I don't know what.

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