kimandgary (kimandgary) wrote,

Who Am I? What am I about?

 Wow, I haven't written anything here in a while. It's hard when you are writing professionally up to 16 hours a day, to just sit and type for fun. Still I have missed just typing. I don't think I will proofread heavily so forgive me if I have a typo or two. I know that since I am 50 years old, I shouldn't be having an identity crisis, but I have been busy and preoccupied with...  less than pleasant life details, and then there is writing, where I often play a role... rather than be myself. (I am a ghost writer for web content) I am an expert on.. fill in the blank, and I pretend to be other people. I am very comfortable doing that BTW, but it may be adding to the confusion. It's easier to be them, than to be me sometimes, because I understand the face they are trying to put forward, but what is my face like? What should I try to put forward? 

Gary is here, I feel him strongly. I am the one having the weird midlife crisis. Let me talk you through the process. I realized a long time ago that all my perceptions are POV, and because I am somewhat weird (probably more than somewhat) I learned that I could shift my POV sometimes to see the opposite side of at least some of my opinions. I saw that they were just as valid when taken the other way around. Some aren't of course, but generally... well I  learned to step outside myself and critique my own opinions. I found that only some of my opinions were truly my own, and quite a few of them were borrowed. Further on, I realized that even my own opinions were prone to coloring by fear, and emotional insecurity. I could see where my processes were flawed when I was having a bad day, or was feeling economic panic or emotional stress. I could also see that I was learning from this expanded view.  
I thought I was so smart doing this, but unfortunately it has had an odd side effect. On some issues I have no opinion. I can see both sides, and neither agree nor disagree, or I flip flop back and forth. I'm having more trouble than ever making important decisions. I don't really have a sense of self in some ways. I know who I am deep down, in my soul, but as far as this life time, and my physical situation. I don't know who I am supposed to be, or what I am supposed to do with my  life. I sense changes... and changes have been forced on me. I am trying to adapt, but I am experiencing a lot of indecision about things that should be easy to decide. 

I am looking for a niche for my writing, and I really frankly have a lot of things I could do. I hear that I should do what I am passionate about, and I know that is spirituality, but I am so uncertain of which angle to go at that from. I am learning so fast in that area, and I can see so much that I could do with it, and yet... well so many people are so opinionated, and easily offended by the opposite camp, and I am so up in the air that I am bound to offend almost every camp. Plus so many people are touchy about their opinions. It seems like a mine field to discuss any form of theology. IDK... my other passion is politics, but I know how people are about that.  
I considered green lifestyle, but that includes health and health food and exercise and such, and I've not had time or money to take care of myself. I don't eat healthy, I don't have time to exercise, and while I used to be in great shape a long time ago, I'm kind of chubby and I live off sodas and cigarettes. I have interest in these things and used to practice that stuff but now... I'm not into it anymore. I'd feel like a hypocrite telling people how to exercise eat right and live healthy when I am so undisciplined.
I'd like to tell people how to survive this recession too, but I am struggling with that. I thought about involving others in my personal and psychic war on poverty, but I am not sure anyone would be interested. I am working on some theories, but so far nothing works. The 80/20 rule is powerful... and it just seems that the rich always get richer while the poor don't have any chance. Life is just unfair, and when I think of the D.R. Congo vision, which inspired my research,  I just don't have any answers yet, but I continue to pray, and send energy. I feel a calling to do something, but so far I cannot define it. Does that make sense? It's a feeling, not a thing I can put in words yet...  I am sort of lost when I think of Niche writing. I like being unrestricted by topic, but how can I set up a website that has no topic? 
  • Post a new comment


    default userpic
This kind of rang alarm bells when I read it. I am not a medical professional or anything, but isn't the loss of interest and lack of focus on previously enjoyable activities a sign of depression?
Particularly when coupled with your lack of interest in taking care of yourself. Eating good food, and engaging in physical activities need not be done at a 'fanatical' level, but subsisting on junkfood is a very bad idea.
Perhaps you need input fro a life councillor or a medical professional? It wouldn't hurt, and just might help.
Be well, 'K?
Your sixth sense is right. I am not happy ATM. It's a bit better today. I have hit rock bottom so it's all uphill from here. I can't afford a life coach, or a doctor. I have little faith in most doctors anyway, and I have no faith in happy pills to make my life better, which seems to be the current thought on mental health. It might help some people, but not for me. I need to fix this, not just medicate it. The sad part is I really know how to fix my physical state, and get a grip on my emotions, but I lack initiative, motivation or the time to do this, because I am so obsessed with working on my financial situation. I have to make some major changes, and I don't really have time to even think about it, much less do it.

The problem is that I am working during almost all of my waking hours, trying to make ends meet, and looking for new opportunities to make money. Interacting with my family takes up the rest of my time. My family is not happy either. They are all depressing to be around, and no one is getting along well with each other. Everyone is tense and guarded with their feelings. No one is being honest, and that's almost a blessing, judging from the prevailing mood of all of them. I am a natural empath, and I know what everyone's feeling, and the only cure for more than half of it is money. Fitness is the other half of the problem, I'll admit. We are all too heavy, except my youngest daughter, and even she's gained a tiny bit of weight this year. Spiritually I think we'd all do much better if the money wasn't such a pressure.

I have lost touch with many of the people I used to find supportive because I've been so busy, and they are busy. I am really at the end of my rope, but life doesn't stop, or even let up.
I am looking for answers on line, and I did find some free information from various life coaches. They haven't told me anything I don't know, and frankly I could have wrote their books easily. I know... I just can't seem to do better... but I know better! it's just that my circumstances are overwhelming me, and I can't seem to get the upper hand on any aspect of my life right now.

I feel like everyone is controlling me when in fact I am being inhibited from within, but overall I am being affected by my mom on one side, and my husband on the other. I feel squished or sandwiched between them. They both just get on my nerves, and each other's nerves. It's like being the buffer between two opposing sides who constantly either push me or pull me in directions I don't want to go. I'm like a race car going down the center of the track and getting scrubbed by a car on the left and a car on the right. It feels like they are both trying to push me off the road, but overall, they keep me going straight, because of the opposing force. There are many cars.. or more like wolves (as in wolf is at the door) behind me, so the only direction I can go is forward. I'm trying. I just get overwhelmed. It's like I am being pushed, by people who feel to my senses to be trying to derail me, but they don't really want to derail me, it just feels that way. Overall they just want my attention, and they want to control to, but I really don't have time to be controlled and that part at least feels good.