kimandgary (kimandgary) wrote,

Who Am I? What am I about?

 Wow, I haven't written anything here in a while. It's hard when you are writing professionally up to 16 hours a day, to just sit and type for fun. Still I have missed just typing. I don't think I will proofread heavily so forgive me if I have a typo or two. I know that since I am 50 years old, I shouldn't be having an identity crisis, but I have been busy and preoccupied with...  less than pleasant life details, and then there is writing, where I often play a role... rather than be myself. (I am a ghost writer for web content) I am an expert on.. fill in the blank, and I pretend to be other people. I am very comfortable doing that BTW, but it may be adding to the confusion. It's easier to be them, than to be me sometimes, because I understand the face they are trying to put forward, but what is my face like? What should I try to put forward? 

Gary is here, I feel him strongly. I am the one having the weird midlife crisis. Let me talk you through the process. I realized a long time ago that all my perceptions are POV, and because I am somewhat weird (probably more than somewhat) I learned that I could shift my POV sometimes to see the opposite side of at least some of my opinions. I saw that they were just as valid when taken the other way around. Some aren't of course, but generally... well I  learned to step outside myself and critique my own opinions. I found that only some of my opinions were truly my own, and quite a few of them were borrowed. Further on, I realized that even my own opinions were prone to coloring by fear, and emotional insecurity. I could see where my processes were flawed when I was having a bad day, or was feeling economic panic or emotional stress. I could also see that I was learning from this expanded view.  
I thought I was so smart doing this, but unfortunately it has had an odd side effect. On some issues I have no opinion. I can see both sides, and neither agree nor disagree, or I flip flop back and forth. I'm having more trouble than ever making important decisions. I don't really have a sense of self in some ways. I know who I am deep down, in my soul, but as far as this life time, and my physical situation. I don't know who I am supposed to be, or what I am supposed to do with my  life. I sense changes... and changes have been forced on me. I am trying to adapt, but I am experiencing a lot of indecision about things that should be easy to decide. 

I am looking for a niche for my writing, and I really frankly have a lot of things I could do. I hear that I should do what I am passionate about, and I know that is spirituality, but I am so uncertain of which angle to go at that from. I am learning so fast in that area, and I can see so much that I could do with it, and yet... well so many people are so opinionated, and easily offended by the opposite camp, and I am so up in the air that I am bound to offend almost every camp. Plus so many people are touchy about their opinions. It seems like a mine field to discuss any form of theology. IDK... my other passion is politics, but I know how people are about that.  
I considered green lifestyle, but that includes health and health food and exercise and such, and I've not had time or money to take care of myself. I don't eat healthy, I don't have time to exercise, and while I used to be in great shape a long time ago, I'm kind of chubby and I live off sodas and cigarettes. I have interest in these things and used to practice that stuff but now... I'm not into it anymore. I'd feel like a hypocrite telling people how to exercise eat right and live healthy when I am so undisciplined.
I'd like to tell people how to survive this recession too, but I am struggling with that. I thought about involving others in my personal and psychic war on poverty, but I am not sure anyone would be interested. I am working on some theories, but so far nothing works. The 80/20 rule is powerful... and it just seems that the rich always get richer while the poor don't have any chance. Life is just unfair, and when I think of the D.R. Congo vision, which inspired my research,  I just don't have any answers yet, but I continue to pray, and send energy. I feel a calling to do something, but so far I cannot define it. Does that make sense? It's a feeling, not a thing I can put in words yet...  I am sort of lost when I think of Niche writing. I like being unrestricted by topic, but how can I set up a website that has no topic? 
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